If your happiness is based on always getting a little more than you’ve got…
then you’ve handed control over your happiness to the gatekeepers, built a system that doesn’t scale and prevented yourself from the brave work that leads to a quantum leap.
The industrial system (and the marketing regime) adore the mindset of ‘a little bit more, please’, because it furthers their power. A slightly higher paycheck, a slightly more famous college, an incrementally better car–it’s easy to be seduced by this safe, stepwise progress, and if marketers and bosses can make you feel dissatisfied at every step along the way, even better for them.
Their rules, their increments, and you are always on a treadmill, unhappy today, imagining that the answer lies just over the next hill…
All the data shows us that the people on that hill are just as frustrated as the people on your hill. It demonstrates that the people at that college are just as envious as the people at this college. The never ending cycle (no surprise) never ends.
An alternative is to be happy wherever you are, with whatever you’ve got, but always hungry for the thrill of creating art, of being missed if you’re gone and most of all, doing important work.
Seth Godin
a new, sleek, clean, modern, steel, coffee table makes the whole room come together. makes the same old furniture feel fresh. a few toss pillows brighten things too. think of toss pillows like fresh flowers. change them out when they look all wilty and sad. it breathes new life in a room. everything else was already there, already theirs, already loved.
i used to fuss a lot over what to put in the middle of the coffee table. notsomuch these days. i like the clean, simple wood. whatever you are currently reading, a candle in a mason jar, a glass of wine, and bare feet would be nice too.
wish i had good befores of this kitchen. imagine dark and dated and sad. the cabinets, counters, travertine backsplash, light fixtures, and appliances are all new. it was time. we kept the original table though. too many memories to let it go. it’s perfect in its imperfection.
sun room just off the new kitchen. nothing new, just freshened and fluffed.
we don’t talk much about parenting. while we have strong opinions on the subject and complete contentment with what we are doing, we still consider it an experiment. cole is 14 and camden is 11. many tell us we don’t know what lies ahead. and that is true. we don’t. so we remain relatively silent on the subject, for now. but many are asking us to talk about parenting, especially after we wrote about how we skip school. and tim is seeing families he works with learn to love each other better. so for those who do not want to hear me brag about our boys, stop reading NOW. reallly. now. but for those who asked, what we know so far is that we have 14 and 11 year old boys who…
make us laugh till we cry
have fun together even on 9 hour road trips to florida
linger at the candlelit dinner table with us most every night
reject the status quo and will not follow in more ways than we can count
go to bed early, get up easily, and sleep really late on weekends
respect our time with our friends and know when to make themselves scarce
hardly ever ask for anything and take very good care of what they already have
think deeply and are comfortable with the vague ambiguity of how things are
choose the kindest and most interesting and intelligent friends
somehow know to stop and help people when they fall on the slopes
spend time designing logos for the companies they will one day create
have not been spanked or grounded or hardly disrespected by us at all
forgive us as we forgive them for our momentary lapses in respect (see next paragraph)
respect us just as much as we respect them
value huge quantities of quiet and calm like we do
go off by themselves for hours to create and invent things
hang out with us and talk to us around the fire pit rather than watch tv
really like school and most of their teachers
accept that with adulthood comes privileges that are not theirs yet, what we say goes
freely speak their minds and are heard
listen and hear when we freely speak our minds…
that’s now. at 11 and 14. took a lot of hard work to get here….
we have carried a screaming child out of a grocery store and left a full cart unpaid for behind us more than once. we have driven to the police station to ask a uniformed officer to explain car seat safety to our child because he did that back arching thing every time we tried to buckle him in. we have been called “mean”, “jerks”, and “the worst parents in the world” more than a few times. we went 6 months without more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep (i hear this is a form of torture). we have locked a child out of the house before in total desperation (we do not recommend this). we have locked ourselves in the bathroom in order to calm down more than a few times. we have rewritten the words to lullabies so that they go something like, “hush little baby, please just shut the fuck up”. we have heard the words “i hate you” come from the mouths of the ones we love most in the world. we have one who inherited tim’s anger and one who inherited my pride, both equally ugly qualities in a person.
like everybody, like us, they are not perfect.
they know that. we know that.
but we are not condemners of imperfection,
we are encouragers of greatness.
we were alone in the parenting universe when ours were little. maybe you feel alone too. everywhere we turned parents were raising their children up in the way they should have them go rather than the way they should go (big difference). the only ones encouraging us to bring our boys up as gently as we pleased were adele faber and elaine mazlish and each other. not so, anymore. when we find parents whose children we greatly admire, we stalk them and make them our friends. we ask them questions. we listen and we learn from those who are older and wiser.
but really, they just confirm what we already know. what we all already know. so don’t listen to us or tiger moms or french parents or youth pastors or anybody else, parental instinct is a gift. trust it. trust the Voice within above all other voices. get on the same page with each other. be a unified front. live in such a way that you can say “respect your brother the way mommy respects daddy even when she disagrees with him” or “respect your sister the way daddy respects mommy even when he disagrees with her”. they learn best by example. and they know. kids know. remember? they know us better than anybody. who they think we are is pretty much who we really are. so spend more energy on being who you want them to be than on insisting they be who you want them to be. it’s amazing how problems get solved when you focus on fixing yourself rather than fixing other people.
if you want them to be respectful, be respectful.
if you want them to be kind, be kind.
if you want them to be fair, be fair.
if you want them to be nonviolent, be nonviolent.
if you want them to be fit, be fit.
if you want them to be empathetic, be empathetic.
if you want them to be strong, be strong.
if you want them to be socially adept, be socially adept.
if you want them to be people who stand up for themselves, stand up for yourself.
if you want them to be sacrificial, be sacrificial.
if you want them to be interesting, be interesting.
if you want them to be forgiving, be forgiving.
if you want them to be selfless, be selfless.
if you want them to be thoughtful, be thoughtful.
if you want them to be people who stand up for others, stand up for others.
if you want them to be fun, be fun.
if you want them to be successful, be successful.
if you want them to be happy, be happy.
if you want them to be generous, be generous.
if you want them to be calm, be calm.
if you want them to be peaceful, be peaceful.
if you want them to be people who use their power for good, use your power for good.
you get what you give.
when you need some encouragement or some practical ideas for when you are at your wit’s end, as we all are sometimes, adele and elaine were our inspiration and we happily share them with you. they have more gentle and practical solutions than singing evil lullabies to your baby in a syrupy sweet voice and locking your 9 year old out of the house. both really bad ideas, we know. and while my mom says we are not at all french, we would not have been alone in the french parenting universe. paix.
we took the brothers out of school last week to go snowboarding.
because,
they love to snowboard.
weekend rates are cost prohibitive for us.
weekend crowds are fun prohibitive for us.
we are all about living well and spending less.
mastering what makes you come alive matters,
because what the world needs are more people who have come alive.
they love school, most of their teachers are the very best people we know,
but most of what they really need to know they learn from TED.
nobody ever wished they spent a few more days in fifth or ninth grade.
we believe we are all made for so much more than playing by the rules.
we want them to love life and we know they learn best by example.
but mostly because,
we are deliberately raising leaders, not followers.
we are deliberately raising free thinkers, not regurgitators of the thoughts of others.
we are deliberately raising status quo antagonists, not status quo protagonists.
sometimes we wonder as all parents should wonder, are we screwing up? who left us in charge anyway? we don’t have anything figured out. we are just winging it. we could be oh so wrong. are we really giving them freedom to be and think and live how they were made to be and think and live or are we raising conformists to our own lack of conformity? you know, stuff like that.
but then,
we listened for days as brother taught brother to believe in himself.
we watched as brother encouraged brother to conquer fear and face the summit.
we cheered as one brother raised his hands to the sky and proclaimed,
I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE PROUD OF MYSELF IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!
we noticed that the sun broke free from the clouds as he offered up his words of praise.
we wondered if we were crazy to notice and to consider this a holy moment.
we decided crazy is awesome as we heard our babyboy sing this all the way down the mountain,
TODAY!
WE ARE YOUNG!
SO LET’S SET THE WORLD ON FIRE!
WE CAN BURN BRIGHTER THAN THE SUN!
but wait. it gets better. now that the students have become the teachers, as it should be,
we left our sons who no longer need us by their sides to go sit by the fire.
alone together again.
i think tim sang me my favorite love song all whispery and sexy,
or maybe that part was just a dream.
it’s hard to tell the difference these days.
we call it the 20/80 thing.
when you run a small business, 20% of what you do is your art..
the designing of the room
the baking of the cupcakes
the counseling of the couples
the snapping of the photographs
the painting of the walls
the instructing of the zumba
the brewing of the coffee
the creating of the jewelry
the preparing of the taxes (what? that’s art)
80% of what you do is running a small business…
the scheduling
the marketing
the planning
the invoicing
the pitching
the accounting
the advertising
the budgeting
the networking
this is why most small businesses fail. you may be really great at your art, but that’s only 20%. you’ve got to be really great, even more great, at running a small business. ’cause that’s the 80%. and that looks the same for everybody. that’s no fun for most artists. it’s no fun for me. 2 years into this adventure, “the redesign company” almost ended. i was doing it all and i sucked, i mean SUCKED at the 80%. we would have been another sad statistic if tim didn’t take over the 80% so that i could pour my heart and soul into my art. but most people don’t have a tim and can’t afford to hire one 2 years in. that’s why we now help “redesign your work”. you may borrow tim to help you turn your art into a small business and he will help you get good at the 80%. but then you gotta give him back.
part of the 80% that i despise is the hauling of the tools my job requires. i have been rolling this behemoth of a tool box around for 7 years. it’s full of stuff in crappy plastic containers that i do not need or use anymore. the stuff no longer all fits so i haul that ikea bag into people’s homes too. i wait until they have left because it’s completely embarrassing.
i’ve organized it a few times but it always looks like this again after one installation. but i cannot be bothered to do anything about it or spend moolah that could go to something fun. so i make do. until yesterday. see that cute little tool tote above? tim bought it for me and spent yesterday afternoon organizing every screw and nail. he didn’t criticize my lack of organization. he didn’t condemn my messiness. he didn’t try to convince me to be like him. he loved me just the way i am and was strong where i am weak. in other words, he wasn’t a tool. this is what love looks like…
this was a fun redesign. we found the sectional and ottoman in the bonus room that didn’t get much use. we found the rug in the dining room that was a little too big and didn’t need to be there anyway. we found the distressed gray dresser upstairs where nobody really saw it. we brought it all together with a few new and nicely priced pillows and lamps to make things cozy and comfortable.
how fabulous is that light fixture? i know it looks like ballard designs, but it’s not. i can’t tell you where i got it because i don’t shop and tell, except on pinterest. anybody know how to make boards private? …but i can tell you it cost about what most people spend on dinner and a movie…if you drink wine and get popcorn…or maybe you are all as frugal as we are and only go to a movie on $5 tuesdays if you go at all…or maybe not…ok! it was $159. happy?
ahhh, bookshelves. my favorite thing to fill them with is…um…books. but so many people use the library or kindle or whatever and don’t have lots of books lying around *sigh* so…when you don’t have books, don’t feel like you need to fill bookshelves with lots of little things. group little things (cream frames with cream frames, mirrored candlesticks with mirrored candlesticks, decoratory boxes with decoratory boxes). grouping things makes them feel like a collection and makes more of a statement. but also take out a shelf or two and lean a big piece of artwork. too many little things makes me dizzy. your eyes need a place to rest and focus. below is a bookshelf in the foyer that i filled with lots of the things i took off the shelves in the family room.
new pillows are a fun and affordable way to brighten up a dark sofa or change the feel of a room. mix one pricey pillow that makes a statement with crazy affordable pillows that suddenly feel higher end next to the fancy one. ottomans are awesome for coziness. a big tray makes them usable for drinks too. centerpieces matter. the first thing i did after i arranged all of the furniture was pick out my very favorite thing that they already had and place it in the middle of the room. i’m so happy their wooden rocking horse is no longer lost on a bookshelf.
If you want more sex, don’t say “I’m in trouble”. When you say “I’m in trouble” you make your wife your mother and you don’t have sex with your mother.
So why do men think this and say this? Why do we joke about this? For me, it’s the most accurate way to express how I actually feel. I feel like a child who got caught with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar. I feel like a child so I speak like a child. My wife is already pissed at me for something. But instead of working it out as partners, peers, and equals, I demote myself to a position of no authority and promote her to a position of complete authority simply by my language.
She doesn’t do this to me, I do this to myself. Unless you are both playing out a fantasy, marriage is no place for hierarchical positions. History and common sense teach us this.
We are going to get pissed at each other sometimes. We just are. When your wife is pissed at you, accept that as part of being human and respond like a 40 year old, not a 4 year old. We often blame the ones we love for stripping us of our masculinity. I hear over and over, “she doesn’t respect me” hurled as an accusation of her wrongdoing. But the truth is, we do this to ourselves. We think and say things that make us sound weak, powerless, and not respectable. If you want more sex, if you want to be happy, if you want to live in peace, think and say things that are strong, powerful, and respectable. Stop thinking and stop saying, “I’m in trouble.”
Start thinking and saying, “I’m sorry I upset you. How can we work this out?” Take responsibility. This is strong. Then listen. Hear her. Be calm. Calm is respectable. Do not be defensive. Defensive is weak. Do not blame. Do not get mad at her for being mad at you (something I am still working on).
Even when you think what she is upset about is stupid. Even then. Especially then. It is not for us to decide whether it is stupid or not. It is not our place to condemn or criticize or control or convince. It is only our place to love. This is what leads to peace and happiness and sex. Usually the thing she is upset about in the moment is not really the thing she is upset about anyway. It’s almost always bigger than that. When we respond with love about the small problems, we open the door to resolve the real problem.
We can choose to undo the self-deprecating and self-destructive habits we have formed. If we are capable of peacefully working out conflict in the workplace or with our children or at the DMV, then we are capable of peacefully working out conflict with our partner. Choose to respond differently next time conflict arises and watch what happens. Repeat after me, “I’m sorry I upset you. How can we work this out?” Focus on the solution, not the problem.
you know how it feels like the status quo enthusiasts are just waiting for you to fall? or maybe they have convinced you that you will fall so you have yet to start the climb? status quo enthusiasts may have the best of intentions and sincerely wish for your safety, but theirs is the voice of fear. we think you were made to climb mountains. hell, you were made to MOVE mountains! when you know this deep in your soul, it is blasphemy to follow the masses.
we have been climbing for a long time now. sometimes we fall down. we try to tell you about it when we do ’cause it sucks to feel alone in this. well, last weekend we fell big and in front of people. people who we have chosen to be in close community with. people we invite into our home and into our life even when we are tired and don’t feel peopley. people we eat meals with and sit around the fire pit with. we went looking for these people and when we found them we made them our own. we deliberately filled our lives with status quo antagonists. when we fell down they picked us back up again. with a kiss on the forehead and a whole lot of love, they sent us back up the mountain. relationships with these people didn’t just happen. they took turning off the tv, getting off the damn sofa, and inviting them into our home and life.
don’t wait for your house to be perfect.
it never will be.
don’t wait for the perfect people to come along.
they don’t exist.
don’t wait to be invited.
it just doesn’t work that way.
don’t wait till you learn to cook well.
a shared candlelit meal is more about the sharing than the meal.
don’t wait for people who think just like you.
that would be boring.
don’t wait for a saturday night.
wednesday night will do just fine.
don’t wait till you feel comfortable.
if we never do what is uncomfortable, we will never have people to pick us up when we fall.
and we are gonna fall. that’s just part of being human, but i will not listen to the voice of fear. and as much as i love bono, i will not follow, although i WILL forever sing…
it’s not a hill, it’s a mountain
as you start out the climb.
do you believe me or are you doubting?
we’re gonna make it all the way to the light…
every generation gets a chance to change the world.
pity the nation that won’t listen to your boys and girls.
’cause the sweetest melody is the one we haven’t heard.
is it true that perfect love drives out all fear?
the right to be ridiculous is something i hold dear
but a change of heart comes slow.
it’s not a hill, it’s a mountain
as you start out the climb.
listen for me, i’ll be shouting.
we’re gonna make it all the way to the light.
but i know i’ll go crazy if i don’t go crazy tonight
baby, baby, baby
i know i’m not alone.
people tell me “you make it look so easy”.
please forgive me for ever creating that illusion.
it is not so easy.
not so easy at all.
last night i dreamed that tim and i were at the beach. we were staying in a pretty beach house. we had this one day to ourselves. people were coming the next day or something. tim was psyched to go ride this dune buggy thing to some desolate part of the island with me. he couldn’t wait. i was packing a picnic for the day and getting the house ready for the people who were coming. he kept pleading with me to come. i kept pleading with him to help me so that i could come. every time he tried to get me out the door i berated him for being the reason that i could not go yet.
tim: c’mon baby, let’s just go.
me: i’d LOVE to go, don’t you think i’d LOVE to go?
tim: just come then.
me: i CAN’T just come. there is still so much to do.
tim: what else needs to be done? what can i do?
me: why do i have to be in charge? look around, you can see perfectly well. i am not your mother.
tim: let me finish making lunch and you can go do whatever else needs to be done.
me: yeah ’cause i’d much rather be cleaning the toilets. thanks.
tim: baby, the toilets are clean. the cleaning person was here yesterday. everything is clean.
me: EVERYTHING IS NOT CLEAN! how can you even SAY THAT?
tim: baby, it’s 3:00 in the afternoon.
me: i know. i really can’t believe you let this whole day get away. we could be on the beach right now.
then i woke up. i remember the words because they echo real conversations from not so very long ago. i recognize how ugly dream me is. i didn’t used to. i would defend her to the death. tim’s death. but sometimes, i am still this person. i don’t want to be, but i am. tim told me so last night. in real life. with real friends. who were our therapists and loved us through some difficult stuff. we are ridiculously grateful for their love, compassion, patience, wisdom, questions, guidance, and help. choosing to live in community with people who love each other this way is one of the smartest things we have ever done.
a few days ago i wrote that we almost never argue about things like dishes. ever feel your own words come back and bite you? last night we argued about counter tops. same difference. of course we were not really arguing about counter tops. we were really arguing about my perfectionism. i thought i had it under control. i was wrong. i thought i recognized it for the darkness that it is and had mastered keeping it from hurting the ones i love. i was wrong. it’s still hurting the ones i love. my perfectionism makes tim feel not good enough. ever.
so i’m reading these words again.
and these words.
and i’m singing this song again.
and this song.
while everyone was still asleep this morning, i made breakfast. cooking is therapy for me and food is love in our family. so i made the coffee and started the bacon. while i cookloved, i prayed pathetic prayers. self righteous “please show tim the error of his ways” prayers. i so wanted it to be his fault. it was not so easy for tim to tell me these things. it was not so easy for me to hear them. it was not so easy for our friends to spend a friday night counseling us. it was not so easy for me to see my ugliness. but i remembered my dream and these words came to me, so i stopped to write them down. they felt important. then i made french toast and prayed more. praying and thinking to myself are sorta the same thing to me. my internal dialogue gets directed to what i call “God”. maybe you think that’s crazy. maybe that is crazy. whatever.
so as the french toast made the house smell heavenly (see what i did there?)
i praythought more.
this time it was all gratitude…
thank you for tim who knows me and loves me anyway.
thank you for cole and camden who are perfect in their imperfection.
thank you for real friends who sit with us in our darkness and hope with us for the light.
thank you for my mom and dad and sisters who know what it means to be a gromko girl.
thank you for people who no matter what, love regardless.
amen.
dear people who believe we were meant to live for so much more,
ohmygoodness, it’s that time of year again. when we won the BOB AWARD last year thanks entirely to YOU nobody was more surprised than me. i am the least designerly designer that ever there was. i don’t even know how to play that game so i don’t even try. i am not welcome in the very exclusive designer club. i do not speak the language. i prove that it doesn’t have to cost a lot to live beautifully. that doesn’t go over so well. but that’s the way, uh huh uh huh, i like it.
but then YOU came along and shook the fancy designer world by voting for US! makes me cry all over again. what a bunch of status quo antagonists you are. so let’s win again. not because winning is important or defines us or makes us anything that we are not already. it doesn’t. but because the more we win the more people will pay attention to the idea that you can live well and spend less. the more people will stop buying crap. the more people will have moolah to spend a weekend away with the ones that they love. let’s win again to make the world a better place, one home at a time.
the big party is at BUTTER again. you MUST come. it is SOOO much fun. and if somebody else happens to win this time, the big party is at OUR HOME. you MUST come. it will be SOOO much fun. wine and whoopie pies all over again. either way, we can’t wait to thank you again in real life. because let’s not fool anybody. YOU are the people who tell everyone and make it possible for us to do what we do. this is why we love you so. so come.
oh, here is the ballot. you have to fill in at least 12 categories for your ballot to be valid. our category is “designer, home interiors”. please vote this way, “christina britt lewis, the redesign company”. if what you do is one of the categories on the ballot, please tell us in the comments below so that we can vote for you right back. feel free to provide a link to your website. feel free to pass this on. feel free to recommend others you believe in. what goes around, comes around. share the love.
here is who we love…
health club – crossfit davidson, jane elizabeth huff is the BOB
yoga studio – kadifit, katie farmer dixon is the BOB
framer – frame warehouse in huntersville
handyman service - hands4hire, chris woodhouse is the BOB
architect – willie fruga jr. is the BOB
event planner - slick events, coral riley is the BOB
personal trainer - joanne morse is the BOB
auto repair – al’s auto in cornelius, al makes our ’00 accord and a ’04 pilot feel all shiny and new.
wedding photographer - love shutter and lunahzon and whitney gray are ALL the BOB. you decide.
boat rental – boat club of lake norman
family outing – ice skating at the pineville ice house is our favorite
budget outing – hiking crowder’s mountain and to see our pretty little city from way up high
kid friendly restaurant - the cowfish, marcus hall is the BOB and the pb&j sushi roll is total perfection.
place to go on a rainy day - 24-7 prayer room, have you been? you gotta go.
place to take the kids for an all day adventure - the whitewater center, SOOO much fun for everyone.
xoxox…
tim and christina lewis
